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2 November 2018

on the borderline

i'm not sure why my mental health disorder is called that, because it's anything but borderline. "extreme personality disorder" is more accurate a name for it; especially when my mood can go from zero to a hundred in the blink of an eye. in its purest form, it's a mood disorder. a negative mood disorder. as in, everything is pretty fucking negative, most of the time. and right now, it's the worst it's been in a long time; triggered by, i suspect, a blood test which has resulted in me being told i'm perfectly fine, and the things i hoped i would be diagnosed with (thyroid issues, diabetes, liver problems)(as an answer - finally - to why i have put on so much weight lately) being completely ruled out. that's now a personal trainer, dietitian, nutritionist and gp who have all come up with nothing to help me work out a solution to a problem that's so obviously been caused by taking medication to help me be less manic. less aggressive. less of a moody bitch.

i've been taking it for just over two years, and in that two years, i've gained and not been able to lose just over two stone. i've gone up two dress sizes. i've changed shape, injured myself, and had to change the shoes i wear because of it too. it's shameful, to me. and i've lived with it for about a year, clinging to hope that there would be an answer, and the answer is simply: you're just a bit fatter than you used to be - get over it. problem is, i can't. with underlying disordered eating problems, and acute self-loathing, that's not a good enough answer. my brain just won't let that be a good enough reason - at least not without a fight.

it's irrational, and nonsensical, but it's going from a friend talking about how a group breakfast has "too much food" to me wondering how long she's talked about how fat and horrible i am, to her friends behind my back. it's going from taking a haul of new clothes into a dressing room and staring at the mirror wondering how shady i'd look leaving it all behind because nothing fit over my fat body. it's going out for dinner with a friend and eating only when they do, in case they think you're eating too quickly. again. it's finishing a bowl of cereal at your desk before others arrive so they don't see you, while wearing milk on your shirt and shame on your face. i'ts a colleague saying "hmm i'm not sure if that will work" and the goblins telling me i'm being demoted and my juniors are going to manage me now.

(wearing: jumper c/o sugarhill brighton, skirt c/o lotd, sunnies from boohoo and bag from new look)

it's finding out a booking or reservation didn't work, and feeling like you've ruined everyone's day. it's eating until you hurt, and wanting to throw up until it, well, still hurts. it's feeling nothing, all day, and then going home to find the only thing that makes you happy is watching a really terrible show about murder and death. it's fake laughing along with your friends because you have no idea what they're talking about. it's anger, all the time. it's constant headaches from constant over thinking. it's constant un-feeling, punctuated with rapid, tight, soul-destroying uber-feeling. it's not looking people in the eye because they will see you. really see you.

it's not being able to make new friends. or wanting to. and not wanting to "meet" anyone new. it's constant worry that today will be the day your friends decide you're not worth the trouble. and wondering if you'd even care if they left? it's convincing yourself that you're better off alone, anyway, because then no-one can judge you.

it's crying, heaving, convulsive tears, because your favourite tights have holes in them, then replacing them with 100 different pairs, just in case it happens again. it's systematically spending money on things, to then refund it all when you convince yourself you'll need that money after you get fired from a job you used to be so good at, but that currently feels like it's burying you and proving how wholly unqualified you are. it's not wanting to see friends or family i haven't seen in a long time, because.. of how i look. it's really also lot more than this, but this is just a week's worth of things it is, for me anyway...

mainly though, it's tough, really tough, being around other people.

and, it's a lot easier being alone.

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