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27 January 2017

for ever

i'm having a crisis of confidence right now. none of my clothes fit after a pretty carb-heavy couple of months, and despite being back at the gym at least three times a week since just after christmas, i can't seem to shake the extra weight. i was so proud of myself last year too, when i managed to commit to the gym - and my trainer - for a good six months and got myself into a body shape i was really proud of, and confident in.

but now it's gone.

shoes : new look | socks c/o joanie clothing | tee : primark | skirt c/o apricot

i find myself wearing ill-fitting clothes again, and not worrying about my awful natural roots, and not dressing up for anything anymore. i basically wear the same five dresses on rotation to work, then get home and get straight into my pyjamas or gym gear, then rinse and repeat the next day. i'm not depressed, i promise, i'm just.. not happy when i look in the mirror,; or when i try on some of my favourite clothes, and they don't fit; or when i stand on the scales after eating toast and wonder why i haven't lost those sneaky kilos.

also, i bought new bras before christmas because my old ones were to big. i naturally assumed that was because i'd lost weight. not the case, clearly, because none of them fit me either. and, isn't bra shopping the absolute worst of all the shoppings? way to stare at yourself in a full-length mirror under horrible lighting, assessing back rolls, and under-arm rolls, and side-boob rolls... just all the rolls.

i'm actually a massive body positivity fan. i can look at girls of all shapes and sizes in their underwear or swimwear or gym gear and think "yesss kween! you look fierce!" and yet, i can't do the same to me. to me, i'm too this, too that, not enough. not something... not perfect. perfect? i guess in my own opinion, at least, but objectively, i know i'm not fat, and i'm being too hard on myself. i do. but i do also want to wear my favourite clothes, and right now i can't. 

anyway. i don't know what my point here is. oooh, look at my socks!

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