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2 April 2014

checking in.

i don't really know where to start. it's been a rough week. you might have seen me alluding to it here, or on twitter if you follow me there (if you don't, why not?), but a lot of people who care about me don't know and i can't really be bothered explaining myself in one hundred different ways. but. i told the important people - the people who it directly affects, and i've had some time to myself to really... work through a bunch of my emotions about it, and i'm now feeling a lot better about the whole shebang. at least, that's what i'm telling people.

"but why are you talking in riddles?" well, because although this is my blog to do with what i please, a whole bunch of other people like to read it pretty regularly - or skim over the pictures at least, and i don't want to bore them with the details (just keep scrolling, just keep scrolling). this blog is really my only outlet for personal stuff (because writing is hard, the end); and hell, at the end of the day i will share what i want to share, with who i want to share it with. the fact i want you to know - even one tiny iota of the truth, should be enough... considering i've never met you.

we all do stupid stuff, i'm not foolish enough to think that anyone (except...me) is perfect, but there comes a time when you have to realise that some people aren't capable of changing, or growing, and that is a hard piece of information to come to terms with; especially when you love someone so much that you're usually pretty happy to overlook their flaws and carry on, just because it's easier to. i like routine. i like planning. i like knowing what's around the corner. things i do not like; being lied to, repeatedly, being let down, repeatedly, losing control, repeatedly.

an incomplete list of disliked things; crying for days because painful heart, watching someone pack while you sit and cry, paying rent on a one bedroom flat by yourself, moving house - again and soon, forever worrying about your best friend, the idea of being lonely forever. don't feel sorry for me, there's no point. this is life!

this isn't the first, and probably won't be the last of it's kind for me. i don't think i'm programmed for 'forever', as much as i love it when a plan comes together. but, i'm glad i realised this now, and not ten years down the line when turning away and letting go would then be ten times as hard. this won't be the end, just the end of this chapter. i hope he knows that i will be here for him when he needs me, but that i probably won't need him, because i am stronger than he thinks.

"and the worst part is, before it gets any better 
we're headed for a cliff. 
then in the free-fall i will realise 
i'm better off when i hit the bottom"

comments have been disable because i don't want your pity, or your sympathy, or any of your thoughts at all, if i'm honest. i didn't write this for you, i wrote this for me - i hope you can understand that, and still come back tomorrow for more pretty dresses and snarky comments. i promise there will be some.