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6 September 2017


it's been a month now since i had a mini meltdown and made an appointment with my doctor to see about increasing my meds, and i thought it'd be a good time to share a little update about my progress to date. especially since what my wellness wobble proved to me is that i need to take better care of myself, and stop being such a "yes man"; let me tell you this: life on the other side of that has been a whooole lot different.

for starters: ben and i broke up. we weren't making each other happy, and as i mentioned in my last update, the nervous anxiety i was feeling when around him wasn't helping in making me feel any better. if anything, it was making my recovery more difficult as i was constantly worrying about that area of my life. i'm fine though. in fact, i'm great. it was a relief really, as there were a lot of concerns we both were constantly bringing up that never seemed to be resolved, so now, i'm back to just making me happy. and i am - i really, really am.

especially because work is also going really well at the moment, and after chatting with my line manager shortly after my breakdown, i think things are going to get even better. i'll be working from home more often now, meaning i'll get some time alone to work rather than always being in the craziness of the office, and because of that, i'll be seeing monty my borrowed pupper more often too. i feel really lucky, actually, to have had my problems sort themselves out so well.. there was a time when i felt so desperate that i was struggling to see the good in anything anymore, and i really do feel like a new person now.

i'm back at the gym too, two days a week. i was so disappointed in myself when i couldn't "fit in" the promised three sessions a week, because i had to make time for ben, for friends, for work, and also for me. well, the gym is for me, so i've made a commitment to myself to go every tuesday and thursday evening and to make that the priority over socialising, events, or anything else. i've started doing group classes as i feel more motivated by those than when i simply head over alone, and i now see my trainer two or three times a month too. i feel so great; confident and empowered and strong, and truly, i feel really happy.

i've got loads of travel coming up that i'm really looking forward to, too, now with my friends instead of ben; this makes me even happier when i realise how great my friends are, to have stepped in when i needed them the most, and after i spent a long weekend in newcastle with charley, i'm off to croatia with jasmin in less than two weeks too. then there's japan for my birthday with katy, charlie and leanne, and off to the basel christmas markets with bex in december. in between? i plan to spend some more time in london. because weirdly, spending time in london makes me happy.

if it sounds like i'm trying to prove a point, i guess.. well, i guess i am. the point being that it's ok to not be ok. it's ok to ask for help. and it's ok to talk to people about what's going on, because with a little time to work through what's going on - with chemical help or not, everything will be alright. or better than alright, and you might actually find that your life is pretty awesome on the other side. i certainly did. 

if you think you could do with some help yourself, there are loads of places you can turn. i'm one of them, fyi, if you want to drop me an email then please do. otherwise there's the samaritans, or mind, or a many other mental health charities in the uk (and globally), and they're all there, ready to listen. trust me, you'll feel much better for it!

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