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23 April 2019

it's me

 pandora stack ring (top left) kindly gifted, the rest i paid for myself on various trips

hi there and hello. it's me, remember me, from such outfit posts as all of these from a hundred years ago? well, i'm back. truth be told, there was a(nother, it happens often) moment where i considered shutting this masterpiece of a blog down as i'm not sure my heart's really in it so much anymore, but then i remembered: i started this blog for me, not for page views, and so: fuck it really. yes, it sucks when a post you've worked hard on (and also been lucky enough to be given a complimentary stay for) gets less than 100 page views, but it's also bloody marvellous when a community rallies and shares a post of yours on their local facebook group and forces your site to slow down a little while they all have a read of what you thought of their colourful town. so, swings and roundabouts, there.

the biggest thing i have to battle at the moment, especially when it comes to putting pictures of myself up on this space is my own insecurities and lack of self-esteem. this blog is my own personal diary (or sorts), and where i want to keep all my travel memories. but, when i'm feeling not-so-great about myself, it's tough to break down that barrier and really let myself share too much. but, in the interest of sharing, here's a bit of a looky into what's really going on in my life at the moment.

so, the biggest bit of news is that i'm in the process of buying a flat. scary, huh. and also, really, super frustrating. see, it's a process that takes a lottttta time, even if the flat you're buying is empty, and there's not really anything you can do about it. i have ticked every box and had approvals from all the important people, and i have the all-clear to buy. this is ridiculous, really - especially when the media tells us constantly we will never be able to afford to, but it's happening. right now though, it's a waiting game. i am waiting on a solicitor i have never met to work out whatever she needs to work out with the solicitor of the housing association i am buying from, so we can exchange contracts and i can pick up the keys.

thankfully, it's a new-ish (less than ten years old) so all it will need is a lick of non-magnolia paint before i can shift all my stuff in and start making it mine. i actually cannot wait, and feel like it's definitely the right time for me to be doing this. i've lived with flatmates for 15 years now, and i've had enough. i just want to be alone for a bit, and be able to do things my way and not annoy other people. it's going to so be worth the wait, i just.. am impatient and want to know what's going on!

health-wise, i spoke to a new doctor about my concerns with my current medication (sertraline) and how it has made me gain so much weight (more than 15kgs - two stone - in two years), and we are trying something new (citralopram). unfortunately, as with most antidepressants, you don't really get a noticable different for the first month, but the nhs won't allow you to have more than one month of a new prescription up front in case it isn't right for you, so i had to make a follow up appointment. the closest follow-up appointment i could get was six weeks from the day i was dispensed the medication. if that's not a fucked up system, then i don't know what is. so, i'll go and see this doctor and won't be able to really tell him if i think it's working as i will have had no medication for a week between my pack running out, and my follow up appointment. it's just something else to piss me off, really.. but what can you do?

i'm hoping that when i move, the gp i'll have to register with has more appointments than my current. i somehow doubt it though.. in more positive news, i haven't had a panic attack in months, and haven't really felt too bad. i still have bad days, but doesn't everyone? i think the biggest impact on my mental health right now is the weight gain - mainly because i can't do anything about it. i have tried diets, i exercise, and even spoke with a nutritionist, and nothing seems to make any difference. my worry is that if i come off the medication and still don't lose the weight, then i won't have anything else to blame.. and that's scary.

i'm wearing: me tee and william morris skirt: h&m, clips: ebay, bag: kate spade (outlet), rings: pandora and markets, sandals: office (sale)

i've got a few excellent trips planned for the next few months to keep me busy, which is always nice. mum arrives in london this week, and then she and i have a weekend trip to rye planned, as well as a long weekend in slovenia and another long weekend in jersey, which will hopefully all be very sunny! outside of that, i have five days coming up with jasmin in corfu - we're going all inclusive, which sounds really tacky but i actually can't wait. i've never done an all inclusive trip before, so i'm really looking forward to lounging by a pool, drinking free cocktails, and napping in the sun. doesn't that sound ideal?! we're also going to take a day-trip to albania, so i get to tick off two countries in one! can't hardly wait.

down the line i also have bulgaria booked for my birthday with rebekah (all inclusive again - i'm a convert! and it's just so handy?), which will be another new country for me, and one i can't wait to explore! i don't really have anything booked in for summer, but i'll be busy doing up my flat then so it'll be nice to spend some time at home (actual home!), and getting to know my new neighbourhood a little. after our fun trip to spain, charl and i are talking about lisbon or amsterdam or venice, too.. so, watch this space.

but for now, i'm just chilling. i'm looking around my room wondering how i am going to pack it all up again and move it all with the very small boxes i bought online. garbage bags should do the job, right? i'm obviously trying to convince myself that a mortgage isn't that scary and like, who cares if i'll never be able to afford big trips like singapore and new zealand ever again. life will be just as nice in a one-bed flat, right? and, well i guess the biggest question i have now is: can i get a puppy?

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