SEEING SPOTS (& STRIPES)


my body confidence is at an all-time low right now. i think i've said that a few times lately, but it's true. i've put on weight - that's undeniable. at first i thought it was muscle gain from the gym, or content weight gain from playing happy families, but no. the weight gain is all in the one place: my belly. and i hate it. it's there - all bulbous when i sit down; it's there - pinching under my bra's wire; it's there - hanging over the top of my pj bottoms; it's there - there's no mistaking it. and, the worst part is, i don't think it's me.

see, i've been on anxiety medication for just about a year now. me starting the meds coincided with me starting at the gym, me moving into my new flat, and me starting in a new role at work. there was a lot happening, and at first, i was doing a lot - and stressed a lot - to keep my new figure in tact. but since christmas, when i stopped going to the gym as regularly, when i met ben, when i started to relax at work, the weight had crept back on. i haven't changed my diet at all, and yet, the weight - it's there. and now i'm wondering if it's a chemical reaction. i tried to do some research, but i'm not great at research, but it's the only thing that makes sense to me. so, there we go.

so now i have to decide if i want to stay on the medication and not be able to shift the weight, or come off it and hope for the best. that thought is stressful enough. in the meantime, i'm trying to throw tags and sizes out the window in hopes that i can just find clothes that fit, are comfy, and are flattering. weirdly, culottes have been the number one purchase of the summer. everytime i wear them, i get compliments. probably just because it's still a new look for me, something a bit novel still, but compliments are compliments, and i'll take what i can get right now.

tee + sandals + sunglasses : primark | trousers + backpack : new look

they pouch around my belly and they make my bum look big, but... they don't make me feel as self conscious as some of the other things i own, so for now, i am wearing them until they fall off me. the other small change i've made is to my underwear - my poor back and boobs are done with being pinched to death by a tight and uncomfortable bra, so i've changed to bralettes. i finally found some that will fit my double d chest, and they're so super comfortable and do not dig in, and despite the fact they aren't padded or give my girls a lift, they're easier to wear, and i feel happier in them. 

so until i can make big changes, i'm making small ones. do you have any other small changes you can suggest i make, to help me get my confidence back? i'd love your help on this journey to regaining my self-love. <3

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