update | for real though

lately, i have been one tired human. tired from london; tired from life; certainly tired from blogging... i used to love it. really love it. i love writing, sharing stories, and engaging you all with those two things combined. lately though, i've started to just not. and i'm not really sure why. the only thing that i can be certain of is that lately, the idea of sharing everything i do with the world has lost its appeal.

or maybe, my life has lost its appeal, and therefore, so have my stories. or that my stories are mainly about how many seasons of 'community' i've managed to watch in a day. or what flavour ice cream is currently crippling my internal organs. i digress. i look at other blogs now in a different way. in a "how do they manage to fit so much stuff in?" kind of way. a "maybe i need to refresh my blog layout too" kind of way. a "maybe if i joined in with those hideous twitter chats i'd get more page views" kind of way. and it's that kind of thinking that will be the downfall of this blog, because, truth be told - i just don't care anymore.

i've said it before, and i'll say it again; i don't write this blog for anyone else but me. these are my stories, and this is where i collate them for reference. i don't write for money (although i have made a small amount from some of my stories, that's true), and i certainly don't write for fame and fortune. once upon a time i wrote and you responded. i made friends in this blogspace, and my life was centred around this blog; attending events, blogger meets, brand press days - anything to get my name out there. and for what? to be one of one gazillion lifestyle bloggers in london? no. that can't be why i did all that. did i do it for good content? maybe; sometimes. maybe. to make 'friends'? erm.. ok, let's go with that (i have made friends, but few of them from blogger events, so we're clear).
it was new, exciting and pushed me out of my comfort zone, and i think that's ultimately why i did all that. i've been blogging for three years, and 'properly' for at least two. i've met hundreds of people and made numerous friends. i've had exclusive invites and been received generous offers. i've had stuff named after me (yes, really). it's been a blast, but... not sure i feel the same way about all this anymore. maybe it's time for a break.

with the amount of "blaggers" out there now, ruining it for those who are trying to take their hobby blogs as a bit of fun with a couple of perks thrown in, i just don't know if i can be bothered anymore. those girls who bitch at each other on twitter, and ruin other people's happy places with their envy and jealousy and bitterness, have already made me switch off the twitter chat alerts. sadly, i sometimes have to join in for work, and even then, i resent that --

oh, maybe that's it? work. i started my job in digital p.r. almost a year ago, and it's been a right old rollercoaster. i love working with the blogging community the way i do. i help connect genuinely great writers with excellent brands, and i get to be sassy on twitter and man - who doesn't want that job? that's the upside. the downside is being the person who can't work with certain bloggers because their demands are too high, or they think they're worth more than someone else, or because they're so far up their own ass they can't see they're doing themselves no favours in the eyes of our 30+ brands. or the bloggers whose content is incredible, layout designs are incomparable, but because they don't have a strong enough twitter following or domain authority, no brands will want to work with them.

i used to be that blogger, but someone gave me a chance. i want to be that person for someone else. and i have been, for some. and i will continue to be that person for others. but it's hard. sifting through all crap until you find a gem - it's tiring. being a kind of 'double agent' in this game - trying to figure out whether these 'followers' of mine are here for me, or here because what i can do for them, is tiring. and disappointing, when the answer is genuinely the latter.

i'm rambling. i can't concentrate on my point. i don't know what my point is. i think what i'm saying is... i'm going to take a blogging break, and see what happens. i need to figure out where i fit in here now, if at all, and what i want from this space now. so don't worry mum, or girls of my sidebar, this isn't goodbye... it's see you soon; i still have a couple of scheduled posts in the works, and some outstanding commitments, so...

and, you can still find me on twitter and instagram, or on email if you really miss my crap.

thanks for reading, if you have.