so... eurovision


eurovision is a big deal in the uk, huh. apparently it's a big deal in australia too, if the live voting and simple fact that they were ~involved in eurovision this year is anything to go by (more on that later), and yet i can hand on heart say i've never been interested in watching it, at all, before this year. partly because it screens at stupid o'clock in the morning back home, and partly because... it's ~eurovision! it's abba and jedward and englebert humperdinck, and not a ~serious music competition. unlike my beloved x-factor... ahem.

the first year i was in the uk, my flatmate at the time made me watch eurovision with her, because apparently it's a thing here. like, she had scorecards and drinking game rules and everything! i just watched a couple of acts, and drank when i was supposed to drink, and remember voting for azerbaijan before falling asleep on the couch out of boredom. or, possibly because drunk. either way, it wasn't an event for me, and since that night, has not been a factor in my life. (unlike my beloved x-factor...ahem) until now.

this year, australia were 'invited' to participate, as 'guests of eurovision', for the 60th anniversary year, and ~everyone had questions about it. "she doesn't even go here!" was a favourite quote from the internet in the lead up to the night, but... uhm...since when is azerbaijan or israel part of europe? yeah. the name 'eurovision' is a brand nowadays, it doesn't ~actually mean anything. ~this proves that, so it's probably time to start getting over it when new countries are added to the event. but for real - i had questions when azerbaijan won that year, and apparently, countries within the european broadcasting network are eligible for entry. that's what the internet told me, anyway, and the 'european broadcasting network' these days is basically every single country with wifi, so. get over it.

and guess what else? australia have been loyal broadcasters (and, erm.. financial ~sponsors) of the eurovision song contest for the last 30 years, and have (apparently) built up an incredddibly epic fan base (apparently), and so on this 60th aniversary special, the e.s.c event organisers decided to finnaaallly offer australia the chance to ~buy their way into the contest. oh yeah! buy! that's actually how it works! it's got nothing to do with ~actual talent, it's about who can ~pay the most! and aussie broadcaster the s.b.s paid a hefty chunk of money to get their act - guy sebastian, the pride of south australia, not only ~into the event, but into the ~live finals on saturday night. scandal! puh-lease.

so, with my main guy -- erm, guy in the show, and the fact i have been house bounnnd for the best part of the last five days with nothing better to do, i ignored my better judgement, and tuned the heck in. but not before stocking up on ciders and snacks, as the night foretold a lot of laughs, drinking games, and one long-ass night in front of the telly. something new for me! i charged my phone and prepared my twitter followers for the live-tweeting that i was planning (with the rest of the uk it seems), and settled in...for four whole hours, of absolute nonsense. within minutes, i had questions. namely:

1. why is graham norton talking over the top of the actual presenters? (a: because eurovision)
2. why are the presenters dressed like a european girl group? (a: because eurovision)
3. who is conchita and why does she have a beard?
4. why are the presenters wearing head mics and using hand-held mics? (the internet wondered this too)
5. when does the fun start? no for real. when?

the most fun i had watching that show, was watching the live commentary on twitter - that's where the ~real entertainment was. when i  asked this question, i was inundated with replies like "you don't understand! it's a bit of fun! it's usually really hilarious!" but... did you ever hear that analogy about mice and cultural behaviour? like, six mice in a cage, one tries to climb the ladder out and is squirted with water so it doesn't do it again. another mice tries to climb the ladder, the same thing happens, and then another, and eventually the mice learn  to not climb the ladder. one by one the original mice are replaced with new mice, and the original mice 'warn' the fresh mice to not climb the ladder, they do, they learn a lesson, and then eventually there are six new mice who are terrified to climb the ladder, but they don't know why.

that's what i think has happened with eurovision. maybe once upon a time it was glitter and novelty acts and 80's dance numbers; "a bit of fun", just as i was told. except...the show that i watched was basically ballad after ballad, serious hipster act after serious hipster act. except for guy sebastian, the english act, and the swedish dude who won. oh, and all the political innuendo when it looked like russia might ~actually win. guy basically won over europe by being "the australian answer to bruno mars", the english group were... putting on the ritz in their best rave gear, and the swedish dude (who went on to win by a landslide, thankfully) had an l.e.d mate that took five minutes to set up and suitably hindered his winner's song. those were the most novelty and memorable acts for me, as the rest each tried to outdo each other with expensive frocks, and power ballads, and euro-boy band nominees.

i mean, maybe i needed to not have the flu and be in an actual room of actual people and enjoy it for what it is. maybe i shouldn't be so opinionated about something that obviously a ~lot of people around this world very much enjoy watching. but, it's not for me. and i'm that person who has unpopular opinions about popular things, aren't i. and that's why you're still reading this.

i hope you enjoyed it, if you watched it. as for me, i won't be back for more.
i will be back on twitter though, because that shit was fun.

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