and breathe.



i've been really personal with you all lately. about my health, about dating, and about how constantly tired i am; of this place, of my dull life, and how i'm just feeling a bit fed up of things in general. for me, writing it cathartic, and as soon as i wrote down some of the things i had constantly playing over and over in my head, i naturally felt a lot better. my mum said i would, and i bloody did. which is a case study really, because since ~when do mums know about these sorts of things? oh... always?

so i told you how it was, and you guys were bloody lovely in return. i not once asked for your sympathy, or your comments, or really - even for you to read my therapeutic nonsense, but yet you did, and responded in some of the most lovely of ways. i've had emails from ~strangers, and private messages of shared stories from internet friends who had no idea what i was going through (no-one did pet, that's kinda the point). i even has a wonderful delivery of the prettiest pink and purple flowers, all the way from my mum back in aus. just to remind me she was there (and probably as a subtle "i told you so", but nevermind. she can have that), and that she loved me. it's easier to forget the people you have ~there, until you need them. you lot were all ~there, and for that, i will truly be grateful.

i owe it to you to stick around though, don't i? that was the general consensus when i thought about chucking in the towel. well, publicly, anyway. i will always ~write, because it's what i'm designed for. it's how i function. i'm not so good at the talky, me. i don't do well with spoken words. i'm better with a pen, and so i'll never give it up for good. but around here? well, i need to be more honest. i need to be more ~real, and tell it how it really is, because since i did, i've felt bloody wonderful.

and it's not just in thanks to the wordy stuff. it's the little things, like... flipping my double mattress and re-positioning the topper to enjoy a better night's sleep (also thanks in part to my new owl/cat eye mask, which has been a godsend on those bright spring mornings!). it's thanks to not throwing away the last, browning bananas, and taking full advantage of my flatmate's stash of eggs to be able to make those two-ingredient pancakes i have come to love so damn much. it's thanks to finding my favourite lippy from last summer, and realising how fucking ace it looks with my equally fucking ace unicorn dress (that's totally too-big at a size 10 - another thing to make me feel bloody wonderful!). 

ya know? it's those things too. because while it felt good to let go of a lot of ~big stuff, it feels equally great to be able to take the little stuff for what it's worth. £7.50 sweets in lieu of actual food? so be it; it was the tastiest lunch (and subsequent sugar high) i'd had all weekend. discounted tulips? bosh. gourmet popcorn deliveries to make my teeth want to fall out? you got it. happiness all around. and the best thing about all of that? it's mostly self-fulfilled, and... is there a better kind of happiness?

don't sweat the small stuff. be grateful of it; it could just make you right again.





*this post was written in collaboration. aaaaaaall thoughts and words are my own*

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