misery guts

haven't had a moan on here in a while, because i don't really like to bore you all with my actual feels, but... i'm making an exception on this one because i think i'm having a proper mid life career crisis.

i'm in a job i don't love despite being exceptionally good at it, making enough money to survive but not to spend frivolously, and i am genuinely bored all of the time. a lot of my friends at work are totes jeal of my lack of actual work situation - the idea of 'doing nothing all day' (not accurate description of my day) and getting an almost free-reign of my time spent at work ideals to them. i suppose, from the outside it does sound ideal! i literally hang out on the net, blogging, watching videos, scrollingscrollingscrolling, and partaking in a lot (read : a lot) of online shopping, for a lot of my working time. my managers know i do it, but are helpless to curb the behaviour, because i do do all of the work i am given, and more.

pity me!

no, i know i'm being ridiculous. but i'm coming from a sensible place; i have always worked hard, so not being able to work hard is harrrrrd for me. i want to be busy, i want to be overworked, i want to be complaining about how underpaid i am for the work i do, but i genuinely can't. i am supposedly 'really lucky' to be in this position, but all it makes me is frustrated, angry and - to quote my manager, "intimidating to others". which is why - he thinks, that of the four internal positions i've applied for this year purely because they'd totally give me a challenge, a 'career path' to strive toward and -- if we're honest, more money, i've been found 'not suitable for the role' every time. let's keep in mind here that i come with 5+ years of retail management experience, 3+ years admin support and coordination experience and almost 15 years customer service experience too. so, of all that -- and the off chance that i basically suck at interviews, i get the impression that he thinks i'm holding myself back.

self sabotage?

i'm not easily offended, and he was coming from a good place (and is 100% accurate, i totally am a moody cow), but hearing someone i really respect tell me how highly he thinks of me, and that he is baffled that i can't seem to catch a break lately, well... i cried a lot. in a meeting room. because i genuinely don't know what i'm doing with my life.

help meeeeeee.